1) The topic of the essay is :
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, please share your story. (650 words)
2) Revision Advice form my counselor:
This isn’t all that bad. It might appeal to a typical liberal university professor, but I think the problem comes if it happens to be read by an admissions administrator more conservative. Then it comes across as a whiny millennial / alpha. I’m not saying the person should change his essay to fit the reader, but the arguments are not impressive enough to stand on their own. My best advice to writing a college essay is to make it deeply personal. If you’re not embarrassed for others to read your essay, it isn’t personal enough. I think it’s a very good start, talking about his childhood experience. My advice is to expand on how that incident and how it makes you feel, flesh out the humiliation and bring the reader into the pain of the story. I would start the essay, with “When I was ten years old…”. Get rid of the “my foundation for political science”. Let the reader make that decision on his own, the essay is more powerful TELLING the story, rather than EXPLAINING the importance or ramifications of the story. If you have an explanation that is so novel and so sophisticated that it can be made into a PhD dissertation, then by all means, bring it on. But other than that, stick to the story and make it powerful. A powerful story will appeal to both liberal and conservative because ultimately, iti is a human story.
Along this line of thinking, rather than telling the reader that debate practice gave you the voice, distill that explanation into a story where you found your voice. Rather than explaining to the reader why you think the march brought the city closer to achieving equality, you should describe what happened and how you felt – and let the reader agree with you on his own. Don’t end the story trying to explain to the reader all of the things he should have learned from the essay, end the essay with your most powerful story and trust that the reader will make that conclusion on his own.
He doesn’t have to completely rewrite the essay, just take out the “essay” part and expand on the “story” part. Imagine you’re talking to a date or intimate partner – you’re not going to need to “explain” things.
3) Please carefully follow the guideline from my counselor, as he is the one who will write my recommendation letter.
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