These are revision note from my teacher. Follow these guidelines please.
Thesis: The essay is based a little too much in opinion. Is the thesis a narrow, specific debatable claim that answers a so what question? I would advise using more formal, objective, balanced language and trying to add more of a formal “so what” or why mental health treatment in prison matters. What happens if prison patients receive treatment?
Your supporting paragraphs are on the right track in their evaluation when you consider the strengths and weaknesses of the articles you read. I would suggest revising to use a more formal tone, include more specifics, and be even more critical of the content of these scholarly articles.
Both paragraphs close with your position or opinion. Paragraphs should open with a reason in support of your thesis and close with analysis how the evidence supports your point and how the paragraph supports your thesis. I would revise this language to be less general and more connected with the paper’s purpose.
The paper is still a little short. I wonder if you add a third paragraph that makes a connection between these two sources in support of your thesis.
Add a restatement of your thesis to the start of your conclusion.
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